Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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