I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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