My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
