I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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