I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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