oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
