My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
