I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
sex in a hospital.. check
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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