I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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