Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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