I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
