sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
