i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
even my farts smell like vagina
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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