I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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