Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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