Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
