How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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