I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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