I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
