I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
