It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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