I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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