i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
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I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize