is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
