I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
