No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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