You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
