i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
