i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
