So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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