now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
