I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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