i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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