Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
