someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
