how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
