So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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