I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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