I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
