I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
