I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
