Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
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I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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