My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
