I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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