I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
