Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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