I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
