Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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