You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
