i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
