Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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