You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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