I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My vagina just recognized that song.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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