batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
