I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
