Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
