i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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