Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
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DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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