Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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